Di: Luciana Gesualdo
Lo acquisterebbero tutti, o quanto meno i più umili ed i più desiderosi di mettersi in discussione e migliorare i rapporti con i loro figli, ma il manuale del perfetto genitore ahimé non esiste.
Fare il genitore è un ruolo che non prevede istruzioni, ma spesso e volentieri numerose controindicazioni verso le quali nessuno saprebbe fornire la chiave per un giusto ed assoluto rimedio.
Com’è difficile essere madri. Già dall’inizio la donna deve accettare la trasformazione fisica che spesso e volentieri, come tutti i cambiamenti, spaventa. Si passa al dolore provocato dalla separazione, insito nel parto, ed alla paura di affrontare qualcosa di nuovo, di grande per il quale non si è mai pronti a sufficienza, se non in rari casi di finta naturalezza dovuta all’incoscienza o alla prassi legata al fatto che certe cose devono andare in un determinato modo.
Per gli uomini il divenire padri è una grande scoperta. Molti si rivelano esageratamente protettivi e finiscono per spostare l’affetto sui figli privandone il loro partner. Altri sentono il peso del rinunciare ad essere liberi cacciatori, sempre alla ricerca di nuove emozioni e vivono la paternità come una gabbia, una limitazione che può sfociare nell’umiliazione di se e nella non accettazione del figlio.
Se la cornice del divenire genitori concilia con un saldo rapporto di coppia allora la condizione è meno complessa rispetto a quando viene a mancare l’intesa tra i coniugi, abituati a stili di vita completamente differenti i quali non solo devono affrontare lo sconvolgimento dovuto all’ampliamento del nucleo familiare, ma rinunciare alle vecchie abitudini, ai tanti spazi e tempi liberi che devono categoricamente finire e far parte del passato.
Essere troppo lassista e permissivo con il proprio figlio è un fallimento quasi assicurato, nonostante poi per non udire i capricci ripetuti ed i pianti ininterrotti sia la soluzione più immediata ed a buon fine che si possa intraprendere. Accontentare sempre è un pessimo errore, ma lo è al contempo il vietare spesso. E’ troppo facile dire di si, ma lo è anche il dire di no! E come regolarsi allora?????
Il bambino che cresce con troppi si si troverà forse peggio dinanzi ai tanti no che la vita gli propinerà sia in termini affettivi che lavorativi e metterà presto in crisi la sua personalità non riconoscendo nel mondo esterno il nucleo nel quale è cresciuto. Passerà da una fase di completa accettazione di se ed esaltazione ad una fase di disadattamento, di rifiuto, di disprezzo, di non accettazione e tenderà a volersi rifugiare nel mondo di un tempo, nel nido sereno nel quale è vissuto che però ha finito per tarpargli le ali. Non si riconoscerà, avrà timore dell’altro, dei rapporti fallimentari e si spingerà oltre per essere apprezzato, per ricevere quell’assenso così semplice un tempo e tanto difficile oggi, oppure tenderà a voler vedere sempre del marcio nel prossimo sentendosi la vittima incompresa, unica e sola ad avere perennemente ragione. Un uccellino che non sa volare potrebbe facilmente essere trascinato dagli altri scoprendosi molto debole, fragile ed indifeso perché si ritroverà su un ring e dovrà essere in grado di parare i colpi che vengono da ogni parte, cercando di non farsi male, il tutto senza l’aiuto di nessuno!
Il troppo divieto, dal canto suo, è un altro errore, ma del resto se esistessero le vie di mezzo il mondo sarebbe perfetto, i rapporti andrebbero a gonfie vele, non ci sarebbe scontento e vivremmo tutti una vita senza problemi. I molti no finiscono per rendere un bambino più dimesso, ma allo stesso tempo più aggressivo, probabilmente a causa della frustrazione, del timore di ricevere disappunto, di sbagliare. Questo tipo di soggetto è in perenne dipendenza da un’autorizzazione per avere consenso ad agire. Chi viene cresciuto con schemi rigidi, quasi militareschi che sfociano anche facilmente in punizioni corporali cercherà all’esterno un rifugio sicuro ed andrà alla ricerca della protezione, dell’approvazione, ma non della conferma come nel primo caso. Debole, pur se temprato, ricercherà serenità e soprattutto meno rigidità in chi lo circonda e pur imbattendosi in rapporti conflittuali tenderà a volersene liberare per cambiare finalmente status vivendi e ripartire da zero. Il desiderio di ribellione è un aspetto sempre vivo in chi vive con la pistola puntata alla tempia, così come quello di andare oltre per mortificare una volta per tutte chi credeva di poter disporre della sua vita a suo piacimento, controllandone le emozioni.
Crescere un figlio con amore non esclude nessuna delle due ipotesi e forse, aldilà dell’esito del tipo di educazione, l’unica cosa che resta ai tanti è la percezione dell’affetto e la consapevolezza che i genitori, nella stragrande maggioranza dei casi, sono le uniche persone al mondo che non ti rinnegheranno mai e non ti volteranno mai le spalle quando sarai in difficoltà ed avrai bisogno di aiuto.
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